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Thursday, July 9, 2015

The Family Guy Hitting on Me! Gross!


This morning I had to get my vehicle inspected so I took a later train in. (Passed with flying colors by the way!). Anyway, later train in. I left my house with a few minutes to spare… or so I thought. I round the corner and see the train pulling in early. I am 2 blocks away so I start running in my ballet flats. Clearly not running shoes but I manage. Since it is a later train, I don’t have the luxury of people boarding and stalling for time so I run up the stairs and the ramp to the train. It certainly got my heart going and my blood pumping. I was the last one to board.

I turn to find a seat as I try to catch my breath.  I find a three seater that has just one guy in it. I sit down as I still try to catch my breath. I don’t want to sound like a wheezing hyena so I try to just take deep breaths until I am breathing normal again.

Picture the dad from family guy. Gross! He is the same body shape, same face and has on dirty “gym” clothes and a sweat headband. He turns to me and says “You ok?”

“Oh…sorry. I’m ok. I just had to run for the train.” I tell him.

“Oh. You work in Boston?”

“I do.”

“I used to go to school in Boston but I got kicked out. Something stupid. I’m fighting it.” He says. I am confused because he looks like he is 50.

“Oh, that’s too bad.” I say as I grab my book out of my bag.

“Ya. I’m getting off in Lynn to see if I can get it squared away.” He tells me.

“Oh. That’s the next stop.” I start grabbing my bags as it will come quick and I’ll need to let him out without his sweaty self touching me.

“Say, before I go can I get your number?” he asks as everyone is listening in.

“Um, this is Lynn. I have a boyfriend. You need to go now.” I tell him in my best attempt at being as nice as possible while failing miserably at being nice and kicking him off the train with everyone looking.

It’s almost Friday!

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

You Can't Unsee That Face


This morning I hop on the later train heading in to the city because I was running a little behind. My theory during rush hour is to grab the first seat I see because you don’t know if you’ll see another one. So, I hop on a double decker and the first seat is in the entry before the split along the wall. I sit down with an empty seat next to me. SCORE!

OK… I thought I had scored until the next stop…LYNN! UGH! This homeless guy with a Styrofoam coffee cup and an unlit cigarette hanging out of his mouth gets on with a few dirty bags and a couple “walking sticks”. He sees the seat next to me and unfolds it and plops all his stuff down. He sits next to me and his cigarette smelling clothes are touching mine. NOT OK WITH THIS!

After he is situated and touching me he sees that there is a bathroom across from us. “A bathroom. That’s perfect. I gotta take a sh*t!” He puts his Styrofoam coffee cup full of bad coffee down on the floor, rearranges his belongings to save his seat and heads to the bathroom. This is now my opportunity to get away. I grab my bag and look around for another seat but there isn’t anything open so I sit back down.

Just as I sit back down, the train jerks from a switch in the tracks and the door to the bathroom goes flying open and there he is…making a poop face while sitting on the toilet. YOU CAN’T UNSEE THAT FACE! He doesn’t even try to close the door! I refused to get up and close it for him so I just stair deep into my phone! Thank god for my phone! I wanted to read my book but sometimes when you are reading, people assume you can put the book down to talk but a phone…no one expects you to put down the phone and chat! He finishes whatever the heck he is doing and THANKFULLY before wiping, he closes the door again.

I try to find another seat AGAIN but the train is packed so I am stuck where I am. He finally comes out of the bathroom and shuts the door. It smells…I want to do my lotion trick (Lotion up my hands and stick them under my nose) but I am too afraid that if I put down the phone that he’ll talk to me. He was already talking to the air/ himself so I couldn’t take any chances so I decide to breathe in and out of my mouth and throw everything I just learned about yoga out the window (breathe in and out of your nose)!

The train conductor finally comes by and checks my ticket and the homeless guy starts telling the conductor how he just took an awesome dump in the bathroom. First time he’s gone to the bathroom on the commuter train and he loved it. Even had hand soap which he needed because “it was messy”! TMI buddy! Now I am gagging and can’t even finish my good coffee!

The conductor walks away to go check more tickets and this guy continues talking. My phone is about an inch from my face. I refused to make eye contact and by keeping the phone close, I felt I was shielded. Now the guy just keeps talking to himself. He’s rambling. Since I was pretending to be occupied on my phone, I just started typing his convo to himself.

“I’m going to China. Got a jet waiting for me. Brought all my sh*t to Chinatown to pre-payah. “

“I got my bag of dope right he-yah. I’m waiting though cuz I’m gonna see what the phah-macy has for me. Trust those mow-ah ya know? I rather those drugs than crack. Safer. Nevah know what they put in crack these days…”

“We need gas masks! Yes… all of us. We’ll need them. I hope you need them some day.”

Then some poor guy in khakis and a blue polo decides he will use the bathroom. (PS I never see anyone use the bathroom on the commuter rail and now…twice in one day!) The guy goes in and secures the door fully closed. He is in there a few minutes and comes on out and closes the door behind him.

The homeless guy turns to him “What were you doing in they-ah? You were choking the chicken weren’t ya? Weren’t ya!? You were in they-ah a little too long! I know you were jackin’ off.”

The whaspy guy ignores him and goes back to his seat (DAMN IT! I should have taken his while he was in there…too late now). The homeless guy follows him screaming “This guy just jacked off in the bathroom. See that smile on his face…it’s cuz he was jacking offfffffff!” The “jack off guy” sits down and the homeless guy comes back to his seat.

“No one laughed. That’s funny! I know that’s funny. No one laughed.” He tries to get me to talk but I keep my head in my phone. “Fine! You guys are all gonna go to your fancy offices and talk by the water cool-ah about some crazy guy on the train. That’s what you guys are all gonna do huh?!”

Finally the train got in to North Station and I thought to myself…no water cooler talk for me but you made the blog buddy!

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Wrong Side of the Tracks


This morning, I round the corner to find the train at the train station. It is on the side of the tracks I need. I am also running 3 minutes early to the train so I am confused. It can’t leave without me right? Don’t they have to wait until the time it’s supposed to depart? I don’t know the protocol. However, last night I gave myself 2 huge blisters by wearing new seasonably cute peep toes. So, I take my time and am ok with catching the next train that comes in fourteen minutes.

I get to the platform and no one is boarding. In fact, some people are getting off the train. The people getting off the train are not happy. Some of the guys getting off the train have beads of sweat on their foreheads and their work shirts are wet. Not a great way to start the day.

We are informed that that is the 7:10am train (it was now 7:45am). It had been stuck on the tracks and another train was coming behind to push it in the North Station. None of us get on either of the trains. There wasn’t electricity and it was a sauna. While we are waiting for those trains to leave, we hear another one off in the distance. It’s on the other side of the track and it was pulling in to the station in the direction we needed to go.

We all run (I briskly walk babying my blisters) down the stairs, under the bridge and up two flights of stairs to get to the platform, only to see it leave! It didn’t even wait. We are all disappointed and go back down two flights of stairs, under the bridge and up another flight of stairs to wait. Once we get to that side, the conductor tells us another one is coming through on the other side and to go back over there.

So, we turn around; go down a flight, under the bridge and up two flights again. As soon as we get over there, the dead train and the one pushing it, leave! Now, the other side is open for normal trains to go through so now what? What side do we wait on? If we stay over here and it comes in on the normal side where the trains just cleared out of, we miss it. If we go back to the inbound side and it does in fact come on the side the conductor said to wait on, we miss that. We have no idea where to go. Our only option was to wait under the bridge until we see which side of the trains the train was coming on.

Just as we are about to go wait under the bridge, the sign reads to stay on the outbound side. Low and behold, a few minutes later a train rolls in on the outbound side, we hop on and are finally on our merry way!

So, now that I have had my stair climber work out, I am ready to take on Tuesday!

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Are You Hitting on my Mom?


Last Friday my mom and I hop on a train into the city to see Bette Midler. She informs me that she hasn’t been on a train since 1978! She and my Aunt Jane went into the city to buy her wedding dress and of course, being the fashionista she is, my Aunt Jane knew all the places to go.

After she is done telling me the story, we find our seats on the double decker. She tells me “This isn’t so bad. I was expecting ratty seats like in the Trading Places movie.”

“If we go one car up or one car down, we will find those ratty seats mom. They still exist.” I tell her.

“Oh! Well, I’m glad you know where to go then.” She says thankful I didn’t throw her into a real commuter train experience and lucked out on the double decker with shiny new purple seats.

The train conductor comes up and asks for tickets. I have mine but we have to buy my moms. As we are paying, he starts hitting on my mom! Yup! The guy was younger than me!

“Round Trip?” he asks.

“No. We are getting picked up after the concert.” Mom says.

“Well, if you happen to be on the train after the concert, you find me ok?” he says with a WINK! “Have fun ladies. Hope to see YOOU later.” He says looking at my mom.

He walks away and she whispers “Are they always this nice?”

“No Mom! He was hitting on you.” I whisper back. “I’m lucky if I get a ‘Thank you’ when I flash my pass.”

“Really? Oh… I still got it! Ya know, my age doesn’t bother me…” she starts trailing off.

“MOM!” I cut her off.

“What? He’s cute!”

“MOM! He’s like my age!”

“OK! But I still got it!” She sits with a smile on her face.

We did end up taking the train back after the concert. It let out just as the train was about to leave so we hopped on instead of wait for our ride. It was much easier on everyone. However, lover boy was not on this train home but mom was still on her Bette Midler high so she didn’t even care.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Quiet Car Drama


People take their quiet car pretty seriously! Last night, I ended up in the quiet car. No big deal for me since I like to read and don’t know anyone on the train really. All of a sudden, I hear loud, obnoxious gangster rap. I really don’t care. Compared to the normal train cars, it’s not that bad so I ignore it.  

All of a sudden, a woman a few seats up from me starts yelling in my general directions saying “You are in the quiet car! Turn it down!” The super preppy guy in front of me removes his ear bud and she says it again “Turn it down. You are in the quiet car buddy.” He looks around and is dumbfounded. He is looking for the person this woman is yelling at. He shrugs and puts his ear bud in. The lady yells again. “Turn it down!” She looks so irritated that I am waiting for her to jump over the seat and choke him. He turns around again trying to find the person she is talking to. The woman next to me says “She is talking to YOU! YOU need to turn your music down.” He shrugs and turns it down. I still here it but I don’t care.

What baffles me is A. his ear buds were so loud that people two rows up on the other side of the train could hear it and B. This woman was in the quiet car, yet she is screaming her fool head off to make a point interrupting everyone in the quiet car. Oh…and well! Not my problem. More drama going down in the quiet car than in my usual spot…maybe I just stick to the car ahead of the quiet car from now on.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Wine on the Train and Douching My Espresso Machine


Last night as I rode home on the train, I notice the guy next to me is drinking a fun drink out of a tetra pack. Ya know…the kind of packs your coconut water comes in. Although, upon closer inspection, I see that it is not coconut water or maple water… it is in fact WINE! Yes! Wine! The nerve of some people. I mean really… drinking wine out of a tetra pack on the train and not bringing one for ME!?

After I realize I don’t have my own handy little tetra pack of wine, I decide that when I get home, I’ll crack open a bottle of wine to make up for my lack of tetra pack sipping earlier. However, I get home and get distracted. I talk on the phone, take my dog to the beach to let out energy and by the time I come home, I totally forget I want wine. I start to make dinner and I eye my brand new espresso machine. I had already spent an hour and a half trying to prime the d*mn thing on Sunday and on Monday I called the maker directly to trouble shoot. They tell me it’s a dud and now I have to send it to a repair outlet to have it fixed. So, I tell my dad this on the phone before the beach while I was not drinking my wine (although I should have been for what I was about to have to do). He said to call the company I ordered it from and demand a new one. None of this refurbish bull sh*t. I paid for a brand new one.

So, while my asparagus and chicken were in the oven, I call to tell them that it’s a dud and that I trouble shooted for hours upon hours and I want a new one. The woman on the phone says “Did they have you force prime it?” I tell her that I didn’t get any tutorial on how to force prime it. I am excited. If I get this thing primed, then I will have a fabulous cup of espresso at my finger tips that maybe…just maybe… I’ll be able to enjoy with my dessert. Who needs wine when you can have a nice espresso? Huh?! My hopes are so up and I am willing to do anything!

“Do you have a turkey baster?” she asks.

“Yes. I hosted thanks giving a few years ago. It’s hiding somewhere. Let me find it!” I reply.

I dig through my utensil drawer and I have found turkey baster gold! I return to the call.

“OK! Got it!” I say.

“OK, remove your water tank and fill the baster with water. See the whole in the back of where the tank goes? Insert the baster and force the water through. You may have to do it a few times.”

With the hopes of getting this thing primed I do it. I suddenly feel like I am giving my freakin’ espresso machine a god d*mn douche! I mean really! What the f*ck am I doing! Ok…now…where is my wine glass. CRAP! I never opened the bottle. I am going to need wine to get through this! GEEEZ!

DING! The oven goes off and don’t want it to burn so I remove everything and start munching on asparagus while I douche this freakin’ machine. It’s not working by the way! Not at all!!

“It’s not working!” I tell the woman on the phone.

“You might have to call back tomorrow. I am not a technician. They went home for the evening. I just answer the phones.”

My first thought is “Ok… is this woman f*cking with me?” ( Later I confirmed via youtube video that she wasn’t!)

We end our conversation and I look at my dinner. I have eaten all the asparagus and the potato salad I put on the plate and am left with just one piece of chicken. I sadly take my one piece of chicken to the table to finish eating and totally…once again forget about getting my wine and to boot, ZERO espresso!

This guy on the train was on to something though; wine on the train isn’t a bad idea. Having a little unwind time before evening activities (such as douching an espresso machine) might be nice.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Bundled Up For June 1st


Attire for June 1st:

·         Winter Jacket

·         Scarf

·         Gloves

·         Heattech Tights from Uniqlo

·         Black Skirt

·         Turtle neck cashmir sweater

·         Knee high socks

·         Hunter Rain Boots*

·         Umbrella

Yes…this was my attire for June 1st! It was a whopping 49 degrees out and down pouring. Oh, and might I mention that while I waited for the train, I was wishing I wore warmer items like…my abominable snowman jacket (AKA hideous down puffy jacket that goes to my knees but keeps me nice and toasty) and a hat** . Why was I wishing I wore warmer items because what I wore should have been sufficient? Oh… that would be because I waited in the pouring, raw, cold rain for an hour and fifteen minutes on the train platform because the train decided to have a signal problem and delay everything! Oh, and during that hour and fifteen minutes of bone chilling fun, an express train swooped on by, therefore spraying us and therefore rendering our umbrellas completely useless.

A train finally pulled in to pick us up and we were all our way to North Station. I got to North Station and hopped on the T toward the office. All I wanted was a nice warm caramel macchiato from the Starbucks in the lobby on my way up to my office but NO! The line was out the door and I had to tell myself no because I was already an hour and a half late for work!

Awesome Job MBTA! Great way to start our Monday!

*Yes the ones ruined by the as*hole foot stomper but I haven’t replaced them yet and wasn’t about to wear winter ones…although I could have! They look fine…just upon close inspection they have a tear and no one is inspecting my feet…at least I hope not and If you are, get over your disgusting foot fetish. Eyes up here buddy…eyes up here!

**Hat not initially worn for fear of ruining hair! My hair did make it to the office unscathed thank you very much! J