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Friday, April 11, 2014

Is That a Summers Eve Wipe in Your Hand?

I haven’t been sleeping as much as I should lately. I have a lot on my plate and have been staying up late worrying-slash-getting things done which makes early mornings hard. Today was no acceptation. I must have hit snooze 20 times. I finally got up and got my butt to the train station.

I board the train and sit down while I am still in my morning fog. The guy across the way from me spills his coffee on his shirt (Yes shirt… it is finally nice out!) He is desperately searching for something to wipe it with. I think to myself “I got this!”

I whip open my purse and unzip my secret compartment where I stash things like aspirin, band aids, feminine products and SHOUT WIPES! I reach in there and feel what I think is a Shout Wipe. Without even looking at it, I reach across the seat and hand it to the guy for his shirt. As I am making the exchange, I realize I am not handing him a Shout Wipe… I am handing him a SUMMERS EVE wipe! They come packaged the exact same way!

I look up at him once I realize what I am giving him. He goes “A wipe is a wipe! I’ll just be fresh today!” Oh my god! If I could crawl under the seat and stay there for the rest of my life, I would have!

“WAIT!” I say in a panic. I quickly retract my Summers Eve wipe and rummage through my purse again. I pull out the Shout Wipe and hand it to him. He looks at me, thanks me for the wipe and we both had a good laugh all the way to North Station.

Happy Friday everyone!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

The Power of NO!

Last week, I decided to read a book called “The Power of No!” while on the train. I decided to read it because I am always saying yes to people, even when I don’t want to. So, from now on, I am only agreeing to do the things I truly want to do. No more people pleasing. No more putting myself on the back burner… I do want I wannnnt!

On Wednesday, a guy gets on at Medford and sits next to me. As we are getting to North Station, I close my book and start putting it away. (Yup, I read a book not a reader…I have this thing where I like to see my book mark where I left off to see how far along I am. Call it OCD…whatever, I need to see it!) As I am putting my book away, the guy says “What are you reading?” I turn to him and say “The Power of NO!” he looks confused “Is that…a novel?” he asks. “Nope! I am learning how to say no!”

He starts to move away toward the aisle cautiously. “Uhh…ok! Well you have a great day!” He says as he gets up and gets off the train.

Friday rolls around and I am at Haymarket deciding on fruit to fill my weekend crepes when someone comes up behind me and says “How is The Power of No?!” I whip around and there he is; the guy who practically ran from me on Wednesday.

“It was great! I am on to a new book now!” I say as I am paying for my bananas.

“What book are you on to now?” he asks and I am ready to answer because I think the title is so funny.

“I am reading Jeneration X: One Reluctant Adult's Attempt to Unarrest Her Arrested Development; Or, Why It's Never Too Late for Her Dumb Ass to Learn Why Froot Loops Are Not for Dinner. It’s a memoir!”

I think he ran faster at Haymarket than he ran off the train!

(Picture courtesy of )

Monday, April 7, 2014

3 Minutes!

I am sorry I haven’t been keeping all of you apprised of my train situations! Things have gotten hectic and although I have lots to tell you, I just couldn’t.
Anyway, I got on a SPT (Sardine Packed Train…Although, I will admit that each time I type SPT, I am tempted to type STP!! What ever happened to them? Now I have Vaseline stuck in my head…and you can too if you click below or here)


Coincidentally, the Youtube video is just shy of 3 minutes which… I was on my way to telling you about until I got sidetracked.

I hop on the T at State Street and we are packed in so tight. The conductor yells over the loud speaker that if you can’t fit, there is a train 3 minutes behind this one. A guy further down in the train car screams “3 minutes my a*s!” everyone starts laughing and this guy takes it as a sign to be try and be a funny guy. “3 minutes! This is rush hour! It’s not getting here in 3 minutes. You liar!” We all giggle again.

He goes on and on “3 minutes! I am gonna need to smoke a blunt with all your lying.” “3 minutes! I’m gonna kick you’re a*s for lying.” He is now screaming and now everyone isn’t giggling. We are all looking at our feet because this guy is whacked!

We finally roll into Haymarket where he makes his way toward the door muttering “3 minutes! I’m going to kick his a*s now! Move outta my way!” We all allow him to exit and he makes his way up to the conductor but the conductor closes the doors and takes off before he can get him.

After the doors close people start cheering because he is gone! Someone screams “Did he leave some blunts behind?” another woman screams out “I bet you my tax dollars are supporting his stupid a*s!” Another blurts out that she needs a smoke after that one.

I never felt threatened by this crazy guy but it’s never a good thing to be packed in with someone that just might lose it.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Butt Dialing Gone Wrong

Last week I had to stay late for a work function and took a later train home…the 9:40pm train. I got to the train station and it was empty compared to what I am used to. When the train boarded, hardly anyone came on. I sat down and immediately after I sat down, a girl sat down in the seat across from me. Her phone was to her ear and her chin was dropped.

She sat there like that for a good 5 minutes. She hung up the phone and started calling someone else.

“You’re a f*cking idiot!” she says to the phone.

“Why? Oh…because I just got your entire conversation on my voice mail! Is SHE why you aren’t picking me up at the train station? Don’t tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about! IT’S ON MY VOICE Mail!!! I heard it all! It’s on my voice mail. You talked about how you are using me and seeing some other hot girl…I HEARD IT ALL!!” she is screaming and almost to tears!

This idiot, I am assuming tries to plead with her because she is silent for a bit.

“Pick me up at the train station! I worked all day. I worked late. I pay for everything, the least you can do is pick me up so I don’t have to take a taxi home….I don’t care if you have plans… with HEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR…figure it out!”

And this went on and on until I got off the train. She must have been getting off in Lowell because she was still on the train when I got off.

And that my friends, is a butt dial gone completely wrong!

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Penis Phone Guy

Don’t worry! That’s just my phone!

I get into a SPT (Sardine Packed Train) this morning. This one girl behind me is like “Can you people push in more? I can’t wait 8 minutes!” So, she pushes her way on to the train and I get backed up against this guy in a sweatshirt (hoodie up) and huge a*s sunglasses on. We go all the way to Haymarket when all of a sudden I feel something pop up against my back. He whispers to me all creepy like “Don’t worry! That’s just my phone!”

Riiiiiiiiiight! I don’t know what kind of phones you have buddy but I am pretty sure they don’t just pop up out of nowhere in the shape of your penis! Just sayin’!

I don’t say anything. I don’t want to engage in any way with this creep and try to remember, where in my purse, my pepper spray is located.  Just after this creepy encounter I hear the conductor say “Due to a Medical Emergency, we will remain here until further notice.” GREEEEAT! Now I am stuck up against this creepy penis phone guy until this “medical emergency” is cleared.

Another guy next to me, checks his phone (not his penis phone…his real slim smart phone). He says “I hate to be a pain but I have to get off and try to make my meeting.” He gets off the train which alleviates some room and I get to move away from penis phone guy and give him a death look until we get to State.

When we get to State, he has to get off the train to let me off, when I do, I give him one of those “accidentally/on purpose” shoulder slams and give him one more death look for good measure.

Ohh the joys of public commuting!

Friday, March 14, 2014

Running Like Animals From a Tsunami

This morning I get to the train station and am waiting patiently inside on the inbound side when all of a sudden I see people darting out to the platform. I hang back like I usually do since it is 12 degrees out and I know that I will get a seat so there isn’t a point in going outside to freeze my a*s off to wait in a line. A few people usually wait with me so I am not the only one with this tactic. However, today, everyone started running like animals seeking higher ground right before a tsunami. I look outside and see that the train is on the wrong side of the tracks and if we don’t RUN IN FRONT OF IT to cross, we will not be boarding!

I have a strict “No running in front of oncoming trains’ policy” BUUUT the train slowed down, tooted it’s horn a million and one times and allowed us to cross. After we cross, the train slowly pulls up and the doors open. I find a seat and sit down. As I sit down I see I have a new email. It’s MBTA emailing to tell me that the Lowell line is having track issues. Thanks MBTA. That info would have been useful about 10 minutes ago!

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Just Choking on Some Feathers

Don't mind me. I'm just choking on some feathers!

Just when I thought the winter was coming to an end, we get hit with another storm. This morning I got in to North Station and went straight toward the T. I was on the platform and one of the first ones in line to board the train. As the train pulled up, I noticed that everyone decided to take the T this morning instead of braving the storm and walk.

A few people come out and I hop on. I honestly think I am the last person on. That is how packed in tight it was but I was wrong! OH boy was I wrong! About 5 more people piled in. As they were pushing all of us further in and deflating our goose down jackets as best they could, I inhaled a few goose down feathers as they popped out of our jackets. I start coughing because I am now choking on a feather. I go for my coffee but I can’t even bring it to my mouth it was so packed. My eyes start watering and I think I am going to die… ok maybe I am being dramatic but choking on feathers is no joke! OK!?

Somehow I manage to get the feather to my lips with my tongue and I grab it with my cashmere gloved free hand as my eyes are still watering. The cashmere left behind a little fuzz on my lipglossed lips but that’s ok…feather…gone!  After I am free from choking, I realize that I am packed in so tight that if I lifted my feet off the ground, I’d stay put. Maybe it’s the gymnast in me but I totally felt like the human structure around me was strong enough to perform acrobatics on. I refrained from doing any sort of acrobatics but I was really tempted to lift my feet just to see if I’d stay put.